28th
Be sure to tune in next Friday for…
I’m writing this to you from Friday, or the day after Nick remembered yesterday was our six month anniversary…
But anyways. At the risk of mixing too many metaphors in favor of accurately describing how I feel, I would like to tell you about
The Haley Show:
Or, N. Pffeiffer* and the Case of the Robotic Girlfriend
(*Names have been changed to protect me from Googlers)
I’ve already told you about what happens in the morningtime with Nick and me. It’s a combination of cranky, lazy, and funny. But we didn’t discuss what happens after that.
Then, Nick turns me on. Not sexually. Ok sometimes sexually but that isn’t the point I’m trying to make. You know how when you’re kind of bored you just turn on the tv to provide at least a temporary diversion? Or when you’re in the middle of doing something mindless and you turn the radio on just to have something in the background? That kind of turning me on.
And so maybe you’re mostly focused on paging through a magazine, learning How To Please Your Man, and you hear Beyonce on the radio. Every so often you actually zone in on a snippet of it, hearing, “to the left, to the left.” But really, what ARE the other lyrics? You’re not listening.
But that Beyonce. She is just SINGING her little heart out. And somewhere out there she’s frantically gyrating her hips, as they plead, “look at meee!” She’s doing the right stuff - she’s got PR people, she’s dating JayZ, she sings, she dances, she doesn’t eat even carbs. Yet you’re still not even listening to her.
Meanwhile, I’m over here in Richmond, starring in The Haley Show. Nick grabs the remote, presses power, and I don’t miss my cue by a second. The production has begun, and I break right into the routine. I cook, I clean, I tell Nick how good looking he is, annnnd we’ll be right back. Cut to commercial to give me an opportunity for a costume change.
We’ve hired the finest advertisers, and our sponsors know how to zone in on the demographic. Special deals this week on grapes at the grocery store! iRobots dance careen across the screen, picking up crumbs. Discount tax software?! Too good to be true!
I’m back. Costume change into cute dress #1, heavy mascara. I jump on top of Nick and tell him I want him, the very picture of spontanaeity. We go out for dinner and drinks. Next we’re off to the bar where I flirt, dance, and make it clear that I’m there with Nick to simultaneously pre-empt any jealousy complaints while feeding his ego.
Scenery change to his loft. I got all my lines perfect tonight, a fantastic episode to say the least.
But right before we get to scenes from next week’s episode - - - -
I’ve been turned off already.
